The Call Centre

By Brian Robinson.

“Hello, Blue Zone Transfers, my name is Susan, how can I help?

The caller sobs uncontrollably.

“You’re obviously quite upset. Why don’t you take a minute. There’s no hurry.”

As the sobbing subsides, the caller is finally able to speak. “I’ve just found out that I’m going to die. Please help me. I can’t bear the thought of dying.”

“I’m really sorry sir, but you must have misdialled. You see you’ve come through to planet Earth and I’m afraid to tell you that here everyone eventually dies. That’s just the way it is.”

“No, you don’t understand. This is my planet. I live here on Earth. But I just can’t face death. There must be something you can do.”

“I’m sorry sir but there’s really nothing that will change matters.”

The uncontrollable sobbing resumes.

“Look, if you wouldn’t mind holding on for a minute I’ll have a quick word with my supervisor. She might come up with a suggestion.”

“Oh, thank you so much. I’d really appreciate that.”

Music plays in the background.

“Okay, so, my supervisor says she is pretty sure there’s a planet in universe 14 where humans can live forever if that’s what they choose.

Now I personally can’t transfer you because we only deal with Milky Way transfers here. You’ll need to talk with transfers in universe 14.”

The relief in the callers voice was palpable.

“Thank you soooo much. I can’t tell you how happy you’ve made me feel.”

“That’s why we’re here sir. You’re most welcome.”

“Oh, I nearly forgot. What’s the name of the planet?”

“Give me a minute, I’ll just check…Hell. The name of the planet you want is Hell. So you’ll need to go to Hell. Enjoy the rest of your day sir.”