Strange Things

By Brian Robinson.

Some very strange things have been happening lately. For example, the other day I came home to find my wife had baked a cake. She never bakes cakes. I knew straight away something was up. She’s obviously having an affair. It’s as plain as day. That’s what women do when they want to trap a man. They bake them a cake. Everyone knows that. She denied it of course. Told me I was being stupid. She even laughed at me. Can you believe that! She actually laughed at me.

You haven’t heard the worst of it. Four days later, she accused me of not flushing the toilet. That’s so unfair. She knows full well that the only time I don’t flush is when the gerbils are about and I’m afraid I might inadvertently flush one away. She tried to cover up her mistake by insisting we don’t have any gerbils. She even told me I need to see a doctor. Yeah, I know! Unbelievable!

The latest thing is she’s only gone and hidden my guns. She told me I was dangerous. Me? Dangerous? How are we going to defend ourselves when the aliens arrive at our door I said? That stumped her. She said we’ll have to call the police and let them deal with it. Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous? Everyone knows the police have been infiltrated by aliens yonks ago. I mean, most of them are directly related to aliens.

In the doctor’s surgery two days later.

“Yes, doctor, I’m here to talk about my wife. I need to get her committed. She thinks I’ve agreed to see you so I can get help for myself. That’s how far gone she is.”

Naturally, I told the doctor everything that had been going on. He needed to know about how strange she has become. I asked him directly, “What do you think doc?”

He said, “Only one of two things is possible: either you are raving mad, or you’re married to a dangerous lunatic.”

“You can tell me straight doc. Don’t hold back.” I said.

“It’s rather obvious,” he said. “Your wife is a dangerous lunatic. I’ve been treating aliens in this surgery for years. This town’s bloody well swarming with them. And don’t talk to me about gerbils. I’ve had it up to hear with them.”